Monday, December 22, 2008

Secret, special childhood places

"Coming down off the nova somewhere near the boiled egg that is the Royal Albert Hall, we watch Paul's sun crossed with John's star and hold ice cream hands. Someone slipped on a cassette as the one you wanted left with someone else but somehow it was cool because as the music filled the shadows, you heard a sound that was a million miles away from fakery and a step away from your heart.

Just like it always did, this sound puts the swagger back into your step, the rush into your blood but somehow, and i don't know how, they had become deeper, wider, soulful, better at their craft, inspired by so many things like a word that is tilting who knows where, and the applause they always knew was theirs but waited so impatiently to receive. Words cut you from all angles, backed up by a monumental sound that rises high, high, and high to crash against your rocks and then changes, majestically and magically to soothe the wounds inside.

As you are dragged inside on this trip abandon, you hear a council estate singing its heart out, you hear the clink of loose change that is never enough to buy what you need, boredom and poverty, hours spent with a burnt out guitar, dirty pubs and cracked up pavements, violence and love, all rolled into one, and now all this.

At the end you flip over and start again because now you are not isolated. They have gone to work so that you can go home. High above the day turns pink and you feel your feet lift above the ground as new roads open in front of you. In this town the jury is always rigged but the people know. They always know the truth. Believe. Belief. Beyond. Their morning glory.

-P.H in the summer of '95-"

This is on the CD sleeves of one of my favorite albums.

Well.. I don't really have favorite albums. I like lots of individual songs, and then there was one band (Oasis) that I somehow became obsessed with. Never really felt that way about any other band. And I would say I got obsessed cuz of my sister, but it's not true, she just introduced them to me, and then they became mine. I almost feel competitive, it's like the kind of jealous love that says no, only *I* have that secret special connection with them. And I guess in reality it doesn't really matter or make sense... and it seems a little adolescent to have that reaction... but does it really matter if it's mature or not. If something feels true and close to your heart then that's the way it is.

And why? Because there are so many things in this world that have been cheapened by cynicism and media attention, and mockery and there are so many things you have to stop believing in when you grow up, no more magical mystery kingdoms, no more neverlands, no more secret gardens, no more jumping into holes that take you to wonderland. All those beautiful places where you could believe in love and adventure and find friends that get you. And somehow... british literature and music and folklore seems to have preserved that - (or maybe just for me, because my childhood fantasies mostly came from british children's literature) ... but... they have an homage to Peter Pan who refuses to grow up in Never neverland in the middle of Hyde Park. They have a gate marked to go to Hogwarts at their train station, they have Baker St covered in Sherlock Holmes references and Abbey Rd with the Beatles. They were home to the Beatles, to John Lennon, to the guy who wrote Imagine. It's where "Beethoven's Medal" was written. It's a country which is as romantic as it is cynical. As magical as it is oppressive and imperialist. And I don't know how they manage to be both. They are obsessed with elitism and class, but at the same time have an amazingly rich working class culture. And I am so glad, that the americans resent them, and treat them like a step parent, because I want all that romance to be safe from the cynical overly commercial politically correct cheap glare of the american media.

Oasis... and the Beatles, and Peter Pan represent to me that special secret intimate place, the secret garden I can go to when I want to believe in romance and adventure and magic and beauty and truth and heartfelt passion far away from the harsh glare of cynical "reality".

And I guess the thing about Oasis and the Beatles IS that they don't apologize for being romantic and idealistic and they come from working class backgrounds. There is something to be said for people who are sincere and idealistic *after* they have seen and experienced things that should make people too mature to be idealistic, rather than someone who is idealistic due to naivete. And that's worthy of some respect. I want to be that. I want to be a romantic and not lose touch with my true selfness... which I know I can do in secret. I just want to be able to do it without being self conscious or worrying about seeming silly or cheesy or melodramatic.. without apologizing for it. But at the same time keeping it light.. without taking myself overly seriously. Is that contradictory? Who knows?

Ok so I re-read this, and I realize I romanticise them Brits like it was my homeland away from home... I hate to be such a cheesy, stereotypical example of post-colonial identity... but I swear, it's special-er than that dammit! I like the WORKING CLASS, not the uppity weirdos that colonized our country! THAT, my friend, is a very important difference!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Happy Endings

A couple of things... I realized, I haven't been posting much up here.

I also realized, the few posts that I have been putting up have been ridiculously serious/analytical/angsty and honestly kind of depressing, rather than informative, articulate, interesting, exploratory, which is what I intended at first. (Well, mostly the exploratory part). And the reason is, I was becoming introspective again - Ok fine, I am always introspective, and I always over-think and over-analyze, I wasn't just *becoming* it). Too much introspection always leads me to over-analysis, going around in circles and angst. And I do this when I am feeling anxious, stressed, lost. To gain control over the anxiety, I analyze it to bits. To more than bits, and realizing that isn't doing anything, I go and analyze other unrelated things to bits, and if that's not enough I get angry and frustrated about other things that are completely outside my realm of experience or control and failing that I make up reasons to be upset or get upset about things that wouldn't normally matter.

Anyway, my point is, that this thakki patang needs a bit of soul food to calm her down from her flailing, so she can recuperate and get back into living her life!

Of course, currently I am sitting around bored to death because my brain feels like it's burning, I can feel the smoke coming out of it - and I am not sure if its the flu or a migraine or just indoor heating, but that's what it is.

So since I am stuck at home, and secretly grateful I get a day off from stressing about what I have to do, I have been lying on my couch and watching "Something's Gotta Give". Finally. I had been meaning to see this movie forever, because it has two of my favorite tv personalities in it: Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. Diane Keaton because she does such great justice to neurotic women like me, and Jack Nicholson cuz he's just plain nuts in an awesome kind of a way. I was 'nesting' and I needed to watch old nostalgic faces and cheesy movies.

The movie is adorable and made me feel all happy and fuzzy inside. Except the thing about these feel good movies is, everyone has a glamorous well paid job and is settled and surrounded by family and loved ones, they have beach houses and the weather is always great, except when you have an intense night time scene when it suddenly starts raining - and everyone always has a chance to turn their life around, no matter how neurotic or insane they may be. So the cynical side of me says, yeah easy for them to make these decisions.. But maybe there is a hidden truth in this. Maybe it really is just about optimism. Maybe you are supposed to whine and wish and throw a tantrum and blink your eyes and opportunities show up in your lap. And even if they don't, it's kind of fun to throw a tantrum anyway, isn't it? Who cares if noone is listening, once in a while you should be allowed to just cry and shout and put on some death metal and sing along at the top of your lungs.. oh god that imagery just traumatized my currently very fragile brain!

In other news, a friend of mine emailed me in the middle of the night, telling me about this Indian graphic novel artist who is "hot, smart and gay" and that it reminded her of me. Yes, I am going to sound horribly vain, but I'm way hotter than her! Although I am flattered that a hot smart gay woman would remind my friend of me :P... Anyway, I get a little annoyed around my own kind, and I am guessing it's a mix of a bit of self hatred and a desire to not be defined by my demographic (see the Lying post). So my first reaction to the angsty tortured other brown queers out there, in the eternal words of Will from Will and Grace is:
"WILL: Oh, who cares? So--so they sell a few less copies of some crappy coming out story. [WHINING] "I'm so confused. I don't understand my feelings." Do a one-man show like everybody else!"

Ok, in all honesty, I am being unduly harsh because I get exhausted from my own confused identity issues, and lifeness and feelings and all that fun stuff. It's a relief to just laugh it off.

My brain is bailing out. Need to get some shut-eye. adios.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

AA and religious indoctrination

I was told by a friend once, that because I come from a "dysfunctional family background", she has noticed that I seem to have a lot of the patterns that "Adult Children of Alcoholics" tend to have. Fair enough. Having come from what would be considered a dysfunctional family, and admittedly being well aware that some thing needed to change in my personal life (yeah yeah), I figured this was worth researching.

And I did. And I found plenty of websites talking about support for adult children, often pointing out that they meant children growing up in alcoholic "or otherwise dysfunctional homes". Great! They also talked about patterns in these adult children, which demonstrate the problems they might experience in their lives, talking about the roles children take on in dysfunctional/alcoholic families:

The Roles are as follows:
- Responsible child: Good at taking control/leadership, but can be control freakish.
- Adjuster: aka "Lost child" Let people walk all over them, have difficulty making their own decisions, want to basically hide from the world, and not be asked to take any control. Will do anything, if you just leave them alone.
- Placater: Have a savior mentality, also let people walk all over them, but instead of being passive like the adjuster, they actively want to help these people, but feel guilty if they try and focus on themselves.
- Acting-Out child: Rebellious, disruptive, angry, demanding attention, tend to make good leaders but not good with authority.

So far, so good. I can see a bit of all of those in me. I can be control freakish, I can also be very avoidance-y and overly flexible just so people let me be, I have also in the past, tried to save people, but gotten very uncomfortable if anyone expects me to be vulnerable. And I never "acted out" with my actual family, but I have with friends.

So yes, those tendencies do tend to develop, when you grow up in a not necessarily nurturing, safe feeling household. Of course all of these could be expressed as "good" things.

- Responsible is good.
- Adjuster means you are adaptable, that's good.
- Placater, is just a kind hearted soul that wants nothing in return...
- And acting out, can also be good. Speaks up for themselves, isn't a minion of society etc.

So what's the problem here? The problem is that those qualities exist to help you cope with difficult times. Which is useful, but if you have the chance to have a not difficult life, you get confused, cuz you never learnt how to prosper, when given the opportunity.. well atleast if you were one of the first three. I would think the Acting out child would fare best with making the best of opportunities. Why? Because they got all their anger and frustration out of the way early, now they just need to move on.

The real uniting factor in all 4 types is, the inability to rely on other people to help you. 4 is saying, I'll survive on my own, I don't need you. 1 is saying, i don't trust you to take charge, so i am going to do it. 2 is saying I don't trust people so I would rather just be left alone. And 3 is saying everything is my fault, so i will fix it, i don't deserve any help from anyone else.

In any case, reading all this, I was convinced, this could be helpful, there might be something to this! They know what the problem is, so how do they solve it...

Aah. The 12 step program... sure, we have all heard about it, but I didn't actual know what the meat of it was. So I start reading it:

The 12 Steps

Read it. Read it again. And laugh. Because that's what I did.

What this said to me was, we know your problem, and it blows, let Jesus Christ be your savior. Of course if any secularist catches on to what's really going on, let's use liberal, hippy sounding words like "higher power" and "God, as we understand God".

Okay so honestly, the mention of a higher power, and god as we understand god, would not bother me so much if:
a) It didn't complete estrange anyone who wanted to learn to survive alcoholism, without being indoctrinated into theism. It's just plain unfair, that atheists and agnostics, not be allowed a safe space to recover, just like any other human being.
b) Personally, I have had a hard time with lack of faith, and maybe that is the problem. The inability to trust others, or to rely on others, comes from a lack of faith. So I would understand that, if the 12 steps didn't also focus so much on 'humility', and 'making amends'. This isn't just theism indoctrination, this is specifically Christian indoctrination. Even after acknowledging that all these tendencies in us, take place because of circumstances, we are expected to:
- feel guilty
- and take all the blame
- and feel uncooperative if we don't want to

1) Is AA effective?

2) Atheism and Recovery

3) How AA Steals your Soul

Having said all that, and having decided AA is a preposterous abuse of power
(although nothing new, religious indoctrination has always been done through the weak of society. Find the ones in need, and offer to save them, and in their vulnerable state and your position of power they will believe whatever you tell them), what does one do?

It's easy to poke holes and find fault in the people actually trying to make a difference, but unless I have a different solution, it's all rather pointless, isn't it?

I am no psychology expert, I have not actually professionally studied this subject and so in all honesty, this is admittedly only going to be useful for me, but here is my solution which is a shorter "five step program" which basically runs on a few principles:
- understanding the objective reality of you, your parents, your life.
- allowing yourself to feel and understand your emotions.
- understanding what you may have been doing to sabotage things, and what you may have been doing to make things better. Feel pride in your accomplishments, and if you feel like it's the right thing, resolve to change the sabotaging behavior.
- change self sabotaging habits.
- developing a support system/learning to trust, by being realistic about who to trust and who not to and how much and at what stage of the relationship/friendship.

1) Take stock of the reality of your past life and your current situation, this involves:
a) Understanding why you are the way you are.(when I was a 3 yr old this happened, my parents generally behave this way, so i responded that way. My dad was like this, so I expect all men to be like this, and became a lesbian, whatever. ).
b) And why you are where you are in your life. (My mom selfishly used her kids as sounding boards, so now I selfishly use my kids as sounding boards, except now they hate me and are all wanting to run away from home, and that makes me feel sad. My dad made me lost all trust in men, so now I am a cruel bitch to all the men I meet who show a remote interest in me, and so I am unhappy and alone and constantly on guard, and have a bunch of men who think I am an ass, and feel like I am becoming an old maid. I was forced to grow up too early in my family, and so I am way ahead of all my peers and doing really well in my career, my family loves me cuz they know they can rely on me and I am generally quite happy.)
2) Get in touch with how you feel. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Validate yourself. Acknowledge yourself. Humor yourself. Get angry, get sad, cry, shout, sing, celebrate, dance, paint, express yourself! Depending on what your coping mechanisms have been so far, this part may vary. If you are a control freak, allow yourself to relax and admit that once in a while, you wish someone else would take responsibility. If you are an adjuster, admit that it would feel so good, if people could adjust to your life and schedule rather than the other way around. If you are a placater, admit that you would like to be taken care of once in a while, if you are an acting outer, you have already taken the anger step, admit that you wish once in a while that you could trust people and.
3) Figure out what you want. After having allowed yourself to feel your emotions, narrow it down to your wishes, desires, wants.
a) Figuring out what you want your life to be like and how much of what you want you already have. (not just the "I don't want to marry a man like my dad" or "I don't want to be stuck all my life trying to be a savior for my girlfriend" but also "I want to be surrounded by bollywood and mangos", "I want to be a good mother who understands her own and her children's needs", or "I want to make my mom pay back for all the grief she gave me as a child, by being my babysitter for when I have kids and hence saving me tons of money in daycare")
4) Develop a support system. In the meantime, be your own support system. Learning to trust discriminatingly:
- Start making friends, but don't reveal all immediately.
- Let people earn your trust, don't set them up for failure, don't assume success, it takes time to realistically form trustworthy friends, let it take time.
- Regarding let it take time. Knowing your life history, it's unfair to yourself to expect yourself to open up to people too quickly. It's also unfair to expect other people to be completely sincere without giving them the time to get to know you. AND it's also unkind to yourself to not give yourself the opportunity to make real friends. In the meantime, you have needs, you want kindness and safety and friends.. well tough! You have to work on it. In the meantime, give yourself a break, be kind to yourself, do things to pamper yourself, focus on the good things in life, do things that you enjoy doing, don't push yourself too hard to be happy, but don't be a recluse either.
5) Learn from the past and get what you want from the third step.
- After having recognized the patterns that create situations that you desire/dislike in your life, make sure to take stock of what patterns you like, and what patterns you don't like.
- With negative patterns, figure out what you could do instead that will get you the results you want.
- With positive patterns, keep it up!

With these five steps, it's useful to go back and restock once in a while (though doing it constantly could just become addictive and unsettling). Don't drudge up the past over and over again, but redo the parts that may have changed.

- Check where you are now in your life.
- Look at what you did to get there.
- Congratulate yourself on the progress you have made.
- Mourn the parts you have f-ed up and resolve to make changes.
- Mourn the things that happened that weren't in your control, go through the grief steps till you accept them.
- Be patient, take your time.
- Trust yourself.

It's hard to do this stuff on your own. You need feedback, you need someone outside of you checking in to make sure you are following up on what you are doing, you need objective opinions when you get lost, and you need the moral support of people you trust. Since people with these kinds of situations, often are surrounded with people they don't trust, or people who don't want them to change (since that will throw their friendship/relationships into precarious territory), it's usually best to see a therapist. But not everyone can afford that, so you have to suck it up and try and do it on your own - the key is to be understanding with yourself and realize that it's a difficult process and it's ok if you falter once in a while, but also to remind yourself that in the end it will make you a happier person and so it's worth it to keep trying.

Now you have a plan to improve your life, and a resolve to make the best of what you have right now. Indoctrination time!! ;):
- Zen buddhism says live in the moment, be mindful be aware.
- monotheistic religions focus on the afterlife, on the future.
- And psychotherapy focuses on the past, and the future. My past sucked, and I am broken, so I must fix myself for the future.

At the end of the day, what everyone needs is balance. Understand your past, but don't dwell on it, plan for the future, but don't fixate on it. Enjoy your present, cuz that's your life, but don't be so caught up in the present all the time that you don't acknowledge the reality of or plan for your future.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Political Identities

Or not.

I feel conflicted about Muslim identity politics, the way I usually feel about gay identity politics.

I am not a lesbian, (I am bisexual) but that doesn't mean I would be or should be ashamed of it if I was a lesbian!

I am not religious, (I am of muslim background, and unreligious) but that doesn't mean I would be or should be ashamed of it if I was muslim!

It's strange how things that are so personal, who you fall in love with and who stirs a longing in your loins (yes I actually just wrote that!), or how you connect with your own spirituality, and who you pray to, to make your dreams come true - it is strange that people think they can have opinions and political debate and wars about things that personal and that harmless. And I say harmless, and yet people actually kill eachother over these things. How people think they have a right to decide who other people should love and how they should connect with their deepest desires. Maybe, it is because it is such a personal, sensitive, integral, delicate part of being human. If people question and prod you or judge you or think they can tell you how you should be in love and religion, it makes you feel violated and angry...

And of course, there is the cynical side of it - how else do you control populations, but by claiming to represent the dude in the sky who will make all their dreams come true, but only if they listen to you and do as you say.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Generosity, Kindness, Patience, Loyalty, Virtue?

"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."

I was brought up to be generous, kind, patient, loyal, honest, selfless, noble, proud... All these things, these values, virtues, "things that are good". And one by one, I discarded each one of these values... And I know that it started, when I left Pakistan and came to the Big Bad West. So it would seem it is the culture here that is at fault. I am very tempted to blame the West, consumer, money driven culture, workaholics, selfish, self righteous with an overblown sense of entitlement, obsessed with who's right or wrong, and not what's good for the community. I could say, this happened to me, because I am in a culture, where being loyal or noble or selfless is considered weak and stupid, work ethic is valued over social ethics, the law is god, and corporations rule our souls... etc etc

But that's all nonsense. The real challenge, or test of your generosity and kindness and patience and loyalty etc etc is being able to continue it when you are not getting the same treatment in return. If everyone, is kind and generous and nice to you, then it's easy to treat others the same way. Real generosity is when you are not doing it under social pressure, but because you want to.. but how can someone who is starving be generous?

That's the key - don't starve.

"Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence and an appeal to the essence of being. " - Albert Camus

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." -James Baldwin

"I want the freedom to carve and chisel my own face, to staunch the bleeding with ashes, to fashion my own gods out of my entrails. And if going home is denied me then I will have to stand and claim my space, making a new culture—una cultura mestiza—with my own lumber, my own brick and mortar, and my own feminist architecture." --Gloria Anzaldúa

"I am a work in progress dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding, offering me intricate patterns of questions, rhythms that never come clean, and strengths you still haven't seen." -Ani DiFranco "The Slant

With everything you can't do for people, you can always be entirely present.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs: ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Harold Whitman

"This too shall pass!"

nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. --oscar wilde

could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy. --kahlil gibran

Another thing I have realized now that I am not in the "big bad west" anymore.. is that a lot of the reasons I became so cold and selfish and closed off had to do with this irrational fear of coming back home to family (and not really being able to comprehend over long distance what was happening here). I was terrified of this very eventuality but I got so tired of running, I got to a point where I had no choice but to go back and face that fear and realize how irrational it was. It feels hypocritical to be generous and kind to others and at some point you run out of the capacity to do it when you are so religiously neglecting the people who really need you and you truly love. I was at this point where even if I had had a choice a part of me had made up it's mind that I needed to do this. And I was right.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Obama and his obsession with invading Pakistan

Yes, Pakistan is in trouble.
Yes, there is terrorism there.
But for god's sake, butt out!

The real reason terrorism isn't being handled in Pakistan is because the Pakistani people cannot unite against it. And the main reason they can't is because US involvement has created this dichotomy of either you are pro-US interference or you are pro-Islamists! Which is ridiculous and an unfair choice to be forced to make. People are too busy being angry about how the US is bullying their country, to actually unite against the other problem they have which is the terrorism and extremist islam growing in their country. And the more the US talks about being strong on terrorism, the more support the terrorists will get in Pakistan. It's like someone has an infectious disease (terrorism) and instead of letting people who care about the person (Pakistanis) find a cure, you (the US), because you are a paranoid control freak, just want to go in and kill the person (Pakistan) so they can't spread it around. Of course the disease (terrorism) isn't dependent on the person (Pakistan) to survive and will probably escape and infect someone else, so the solution not only kills the person (destroys Pakistan), it also doesn't actually get rid of the problem! And of course, the people wanting to fight the disease (terrorism) are too busy defending the person (Pakistan) against you (the US), to be able to prioritize fighting the actual disease (terrorism).

Honestly, in general I am pro liberal Obama democratic etc, mainly cuz, I like liberal social values, but this whole obsession with invading my country, makes me want to kick him in the face!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Follow up to my Thinspiration blog

The French National Assembly has passed a groundbreaking bill which seeks to criminalise the promotion in the media of extreme thinness.

The article.

If approved by France's upper house, those found to have encouraged severe weight loss could be fined up to 45,000 euros and face three years in prison.

This is brilliant. Finally, the country that is the source of the unhealthy obsession with looking like a skeleton (aka the center of the fashion industry) has put it's foot down!

The law could also affect the fashion industry and magazine editors who publish photographs of extremely thin models.

If the bill is passed by France's upper house, the Senate, in the coming weeks offenders could face jail sentences of up to two years and 30,000 euros ($47,387; £23,980) in fines.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Muslim Lite

Interesting article about the double life of Muslim kids in Iran - which is pretty much true for Muslims everywhere. (try googling "muslim double life" and see how many results you get..)

The article says:
The part-time-practicing young Muslim is one of the most intriguing and unworkable things ever created by the Islamic regime. It reveals both the success of the regime's Islamic indoctrination campaign, but also its failure to keep out global culture and to control public space.

Except that it's not just Iran that has this, this exists all over the muslim world.

It also says:
But being Muslim Lite, for all its fluidity, is ultimately messy. At its heart, there lies a tremendous confusion about values.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Oh My God - I *love* this show!

Comic (old but I just saw it)

Pakistani women (and bringing my pakistani housewife fantasy back to earth)

So I haven't really been keeping up with pakistani politics, and I do care so I am a little bothered about not knowing what I am talking about and not knowing what to believe (though I do think all this celebration over Musharraf resigning and support of PPP is a little short sighted and naive on the "liberal"'s part)... which is all well and good (or not) ... But on a separate topic, I realized something about the not so liberal portions of pakistani society (which I have known for years, but I guess I finally articulated it in a succinct form in my head):

1) The ones that aren't very "westernized" are super insecure about not being "westernized enough".

(-> And others are trying to "take back" the idea, and be proud of their heritage which is great, but at the same time it is sad because most of the ones that are doing that are the more westernized ones (which usually also means, the more privileged ones), rather than the ones who need to start being proud of their heritage - but it's a step in the right direction i.e. towards stopping self hatred).

2) Within the group of insecure people, the men are incredibly sexist, which may have to do with being insecure about losing their hold over the one thing they can feel superior to - women (and other typical sexist macho crap).

Of course, some women are allowed to be smart... I am sure you can guess why though. If you are androgynous enough, then you are allowed.

but pretty AND smart? No f-ing way!

Anywho, this leads to an awkward situation when hanging out with family members who fall into this category. When you challenge the sexist status quo, when you dare to have an opinion or thoughts or you demonstrate an interest in intellectual debate, you are immediately put down or mocked. So then if you try to protest or stand up for yourself, the other WOMEN will call you naive and immature and laraka and bewaqoof etc.

This is probably a combination of two things:
i) Misery loves company. If I cant have an opinion, you shouldn't get to have one either!
ii) Peace. We are financially dependent on the men, so stop being an idiot and pissing them off. Let them think they are smarter.

At which point, you have a few options:

you either have to concede that you are the naive, silly girl who thinks she is allowed to have a brain and as a way of showing your "maturity" start sticking to safe topics.

be labeled someone who thinks she is better because she is "westernized".

be labeled a naive trouble maker (ghuswar, bad-mizaaj).

So yeah.. I am ashamed to say that I took the first lameo option... Of course, the only way I can live with that option is by living far far away.

But now that I have put all this down I am realising there might be other, less obvious options, which I guess I didnt have when I was a teenage girl living in Pakistan. You can actually be the older, wiser, more mature person and try to make changes.

This involves, first of all, to NOT estrange the idiots who are allowing the status quo to continue thriving, cuz then they won't be interested in listening to you. You don't respect people, they don't give a shit about your opinion, it's as simple as that. And fair enough this respect won't be sincere, but it should be. You want to change society, not hate and destroy it. You don't hate the people, you hate the culture. Just remember that.

Second of all, it involves having a little patience, being persistent, but don't expect changes to happen overnight.

That's it.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hippies & house wives

So I was having coffee (read hot chocolate) with this guy I know here.. and turns out I had a lot of talking inside me bursting to come out! We started talking about Musharraf's resignation, the fact that my friend (the guy I was speaking to) had just gotten married and was returning from his honey moon and somehow ended up talking about how unnatural urban living is, and religion and life, and philosophy for the next two hours!

I am not feeling particularly articulate or verbose after the long spiels I went on last night, but these were the main topics:
- feeling disconnected and away from nature. Sub topics: processed food, natural unprocessed food more expensive than processed food which technically was more expensive to prepare being totally f-ed up and unintuitive,
- Capitalism, urban neurosis, consumerism, individuality, taking away from the idea of community. Making it virtually impossible to have a community for people who aren't economically and financially blessed/privileged. You have to be extra rich and work ultra hard to have what you would think should be a "normal life"
- Religion as political and as a revelation from god is bullshit. As a guide to a way of life, as a source of ritual and community, as a means to express your spirituality - makes more sense.
- Catholic punishment guilt vs ridiculously opulent churches dichotomy is kind of abusive.

Yes yes we have heard all of this a million times, and for some reason, the ideas are completely prevalent, everyone knows it, but the only people trying to escape the neurosis of modern urban living are hairy hippies who don't shower and who talk in a california drawl even when they are from the east coast. What gives? Being part of a community and eating real food shouldn't be an "alternative lifestyle"! It shouldn't be "leftist liberal socialist crap", it shouldn't be "oh those crazy pot smoking kids". How the hell did this happen? Alternatively it also shouldn't be rich pseudo-intellectual, liberal, leftist crap! I mean this is sensual, real, tangible stuff we are talking about. How did the intellectual leftists or the spaced out hippies become associated with it?? You are supposed to be in touch with your emotions and your body to want these things, not be lost in your brain dammit.

And it really shouldn't be inconvenient and you shouldn't have to go out of your way grmph.

Which brings me to other thoughts I have been having for about a month or so which somehow feel connected.

So emotional "boundaries" are an important issue in relationships, which I may not have been the best at paying attention to in the past, though I think I have gotten better (to the extent of having ridiculously strict boundaries). So my sister mentioned it to me the other day - and I figured I would pay respects to my gods and so I Googled "emotional boundaries" and apparently, people who have trouble with boundaries are people who have a not so completely developed "Ego". It's really bizarre and sad that the word ego has the connotations and meanings it does associated with it (egotistical, arrogant etc), while its meaning in Freudian psychology is completely different. SO I figured the next thing was to pray to my other gods to see what the definition for Ego really was within psychology, and Wikipedia dutifully answered:

Anyway, I think it's worth checking in and analysing how well developed your Ego really is, because having a good rapport between your Super Ego and Id is generally pretty useful. That's all I am saying.

SO the last thing I wanted to say is.. that I have housewife fantasies sometimes. And it bothers me that I can be so lame as to have house wife fantasies... But I broke it down into its sub-parts:
1) house wives get to see sunlight during the day time hours since there is no 9 to 5
2) in my head, being a house wife entails living in pakistan where so far the more natural food IS cheaper, the weather is warmer, mangos and guavas are good quality and easily available, and there is a beach nearby.
3) i dont need to work :P or stress about money, cuz someone else takes care of the finances.

Yeah so... what's wrong with that?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Another gay movie!

There's something so romantic about forbidden angsty love... and now that straight love is acceptable between race, religion and class... gay love is the only love you can watch in a movie about forbidden love and actually buy into. Nothing else is forbidden anymore..

Yes I know it's a good thing that things aren't forbidden... but you have to admit, the romance, the excitement, the passion in the struggle to cross forbidden barriers is something you end up missing out on!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

In defense of lying..

I just read a short story ... well it's a true short story about someone who lies - a lot.

About inconsequential things.

But she lies.

Sometimes she invents an actor boyfriend, or pretends to be a designer living in Rome, or claims she has had 4 husbands when she has actually just had two. She lies to make herself seem more glamorous, less ordinary, more interesting, more fun. She is honest in her personal life, with her friends, she doesn't bullshit people. But when it comes to inconsequential things - she lies.

It's interesting because she claims she does it out of insecurity, it's an innate need to not feel ordinary... so.. feeling ordinary drives her to make up these stories. I don't buy that. That just sounds like one of those psychobabble conclusions that helps everyone sleep at night. That kind of thinking doesn't allow for the possibility that someone who tells lies (bad bad) could possibly not have a dysfunction.

I personally think she's just trying out new identities. And why shouldn't she? She's a writer, a story teller, a performer, you either do it professionally, or you do it in your life. (or hey, you could do both, a writer needs to do research, collect material!) My point is why *should* anyone be stuck in one life, one identity. Do you really owe the truth to complete strangers in social contexts? It's much more fun to make up stories. It's not like they care whether you are telling the truth or not. Other people enjoy hearing these stories just as much as you enjoy telling them. It's an outlet for your creativity, it's a performance, it's a refusal to be put into one box and be forced to present yourself in that box, it's an opportunity to free yourselves from your "identity", your "demographic" and present yourself how you imagine yourself on the inside at that particular moment in time. Sure your life in all it's down to earth practical non-glory limits you to that one identity and one life, but why can't you expand your mind and heart and soul to create a world, a person, that clearly resides in you, and present that person, that identity, when you meet people.

I am not usually a proponent of telling lies. But I have this problem. When I meet new people and I present my true credentials it makes me squirm, because I feel a disconnect. My credentials don't feel like they represent me. It feels like I am talking about a third person that somehow came and took over my life. When I present my career, my ethnicity, my sexuality, I become... someone I am not. Because with those labels go so many assumptions about who I am.

And it makes me wonder.... Wouldn't it be more honest to present an identity that is true-er to who I am on the inside? And what would that be?

I think this calls for some experimental flights of fancy...

Monday, July 7, 2008


Disclaimer: When I say dating here, I am talking about the system of asking someone you barely know out to "a drink" or "dinner" with the explicit understanding that you are measuring each-other up for relationship potential - along with all the "rules" that go with this concept of dating.

A friend of my sister's once said... that dating is just a way to make women prostitute themselves within a context that looks respectable and fools them into thinking they are doing something else. He phrased it better, and I am dragging it all over the place, but you get the point. You will think I am cynical, but honestly, I agree. If someone wants to "date" you as soon as they meet you, not knowing anything about you, then clearly what they are after is the body, not the person. And that essentially means, I pay for dinner, and you give me sex later. A socially acceptable approach to prostitution. And highly artificial and uncomfortable at that, especially if the two people have different things in mind. (You know... one wants the sex, the other wants the food.. Hmm.. I suppose that could work out.. )

But seriously, the real problem is the same as the problem with unemployment benefits. The fact that the people who don't need it unfairly cash in on it, by working the system, and the people who are sincere end up having to deal with the extra bureaucracy created to try and prevent and discourage the ones that are taking unfair advantage. Dates are supposedly a way of getting to know each other to gauge relationship potential, but instead it's become "do I have sex on the first date or the third date?"... errr...?

The sad thing is so many women go out on dates hoping for a relationship, perhaps by dragging out the sexual seduction part, when the whole setup is so not conducive to a serious honest relationship. I would absolutely love to get my hands on some statistics that tell you how many people have gone on dates that have actually lead to relationships. Women in cosmopolitan urban cities constantly complain about the dating scene in their cities. The majority of people I know in relationships did NOT meet through a date (and I am talking about hetero relationships, gay relationships have an entirely different dynamic), they met at work or volunteering or through friends or family. They met in situations where they weren't forced to have a contrived sex interview, but were actually allowed to get to know atleast something about eachother before expressing an interest.

In fact I wish I could find this website, but several months ago I was sent a link to this website which had a ranked list showing you "where to meet" men/women. This list was based on people (both men and women) selecting or submitting if it wasnt on the list, where they met their partners and the majority of the people had met "at work". "at bars" was way down the line, and random dates.. just not...

What triggered this? I went on a date and even considered giving a legitimate chance to this guy who later turned out to have a wife in a different country. I also spent all this time trying to get him to stop trying to get me into bed and arguing with a friend of mine, that I was not interested in attracting this guy by "showing more skin" and how it made me feel objectified and disgusted that he would suggest that as advice. Fortunately though I had already lost interest before I found out about his wifey and had instead been lusting after his friend for a few days.

But back to dating in theory... Fair enough, if you are going to have to spend all this time with someone to figure out relationship potential and they turn out to not measure up, go ahead get laid... And if a guy/girl really is just looking to get laid, they need to make sure that a) they are disqualified from relationship potential. b) they are still sexually attractive to the other side (so make sure you dress and smell nice etc) c) Don't act too jerky so that you are not only disqualified from relationship potential but also sex potential.

In other news... I slept next to a gorgeous naked woman the other night and essentially as my friend puts it "couldn't get it up".. the next day for lunch I met this absolutely adorable poly bi girl who was a friend of a friend for lunch and she kissed me on the cheek and *that* turned me on... my libido baffles me!

Except it doesn't. If it's not drunken crazy sex, then it needs to be real intimate honest sex. This girl may have been physically gorgeous, but she was so emotionally closed off... I wasn't drunk enough to care more about sex than the person I'm having it with. It felt f-ed up.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I spoke too soon. I had no idea the summers in this place actually made it impossible to escape from people. Oh isolation how I miss thee! Except I can completely tell that as soon as I have time on my own, I will feel sad and depressed and scared.

Well I know why.. it's because I want solace in company.. not social exciting company. I want the kind of company where you can sit on your balcony and smoke and no words are spoken, no looks exchanged. The person is just there to share the view.

Monday, June 2, 2008


I felt like I escaped chaos when I came to the US. The chaos and madness of life. The unpredictability and uncontrollability of human nature. I didn't feel I was strong enough to handle it, or brave enough to unleash my own nature. And so I sheltered myself, hid in the artificial but peaceful and controlled environment that is MA. Which somehow allows me to come out of my shell, cuz people aren't attacking or fighting or competing or just being the savage crazy animals that they are. The place is prosperous enough to afford to have all sorts of rules and boundaries and allow people to have all sorts of rights. I guess it was civilization, outside of the jungle that is the rest of the world. But this whole quebecois thing, it reminds me of the outside world. It is close enough to the US to fool you. But it's in the way people drive, it's in their expressions, their clothing, their temperament. They aren't afraid and bound by rules. They have their own personalities. They are competitive and aggressive and moody as hell. They aren't as plastic as MA.

I needed that escape, that time away from the madness of human nature. But maybe I am ready to start exposing myself to life again.

Started reading Sexual personnae by Camille Paglia yesterday. She pisses me off the same way Freud pisses me off. The way she focuses on the base nature of man, and yet... it ties into all this. The uncontrollable nature of life. This is why we need faith.

I think all this time spent alone with myself is making me push the boundaries of madness.
Where are the big women psychologists?

Abraham Maslow
Roberto Assagioli
Carl Jung
History of Psychology

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I just read this article about "thinspo/thinspiration" films - designed to inspire the viewers to reach their "goals"... and this paragraph jumped out at me.

On a formal level, thinspiration rejects the conventions of propaganda and advertising, instead borrowing devices from two other forms, one traditional and one digital. The traditional form is women’s confessional poems and diaries, including the work of Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton and Louise Glück. A woman who is furtive, prolific, deeply melancholy, proud of her sacrifices, furious at her family’s various offenses, frustrated with her body and protective of her supreme right to destroy herself — this persona, in America, at least, was the invention of poets like Plath, whose teasing and savage voice, even now, is every bit as bracing as the thinspo videos. The cacophony of female archetypes in Plath’s work — little girl (“Daddy, daddy”), avenging Cassandra (“Do I terrify?”) and wan martyr (“the long gone darlings”) — turn up in the thinspiration videos, too, which feature women looking alternately like schoolgirls, madwomen and saints. Sarcasm and assonance characterize thinspo poetry: “Eat no evil.”

Yes it said protective of her supreme right to destroy herself. This... sentiment... feels so familiar. It is like a protest against the gaudy twittering greedy loud gluttonous interfering blinding obese consumerist excesses that have taken over society and hence on some level justified - honorable, cleansing... protestant? And perhaps... maybe... it is an extreme reaction to precisely that over-consumerism in society. Maybe to get rid of anorexia, we have to get rid of obesity?

Or maybe it's just a physical manifestation of the self loathing (self sacrifice?) guilt (conscience) we are brought up feeling. The self sacrifice, the promotion of simplicity, the rejection of excesses are all honorable sentiments. It's when you practice it in excess that it becomes a problem :)

Depression can cause you to over eat to fill up the emptiness.. or starve yourself to punish yourself. Both sides are caused by a feeling of uneasiness. We are just trying to feel whole and in control. You control the emptiness by making it complete or you go on the impossible quest of getting rid of it through consumption that is never enough. You try to feel whole. Whole-y empty or Whole-y full. I dont know if this is really about body image.

It goes on to say:

Setting aside the mystifying proposition that anorexia be seen as a lifestyle choice (as some extremist pro-anorexia sites maintain), as well as the age-old riddle of whether popular culture can produce mental illness, what seems most significant about the thinspiration videos is that they’re not propaganda or even entertainment, but an effort, however misguided, at art.

Food for thought.

Friday, May 16, 2008


This post is a little scattered and jumping from one thing to the next.. trust me these things are connected - somehow.

I just read some things I wrote when I was with my ex and in college...

And talked to a friend of mine about how I used to throw breakfast down the toilet when I was a kid..

I don't recognize myself in these people. In these people who existed before... and yet I feel all this affection and love for the little scared kid who threw away her breakfast. And I feel exposed and vulnerable and wistful reading the things I wrote when I was a cocky college-goer in my first relationship thinking that being direct and honest made me above relationship drama, not realizing I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole.

Naive. Scared. Confused.

I think it's sick to bring children up using the fear and guilt of religion as ways to discipline them. Telling them god will punish them if they don't do one thing or do something else. It's sick, it's blackmail. It's giving them no option to defend them self or their point of view and makes them feel guilty for having a different point of view or feelings or desires. And emotionally black mailing moms... they are so prevalent.. maybe I will understand when I am a mother, but right now, it just feels utterly cruel to emotionally blackmail your own kids! I mean ok fine, when they are older and leaving you and you are scared that you don't know how to be someone that is not a mom, I can see that... or maybe that's the problem. You need to not forget how to be not a mom, and be yourself, otherwise you do cling on enough to emotionally blackmail. When we don't look after ourselves and our self is defined by the fact that someone else needs us, we can't ever be truly sincere. Co-dependence, in a nutshell.

My mom was always in a state of emergency. Constantly. And I was always sitting there wide eyed waiting for the next emergency instruction. Except I could not swallow food when I was nervous. We would always be rushing in the morning because I had to catch my school bus otherwise my mom would have to drive me (which meant I would never ever hear the end of it)! And my mom would never let us go to school without breakfast. That is why my poor little breakfast secretly went down the toilet. So I could just get out of my mother's war path and get to school and get some peace.

But I am not that person anymore... except on some level I am. College seems to be those few years, I dared to say what I was thinking and demand being accepted the way I was, and I look back on it, and it horrifies me that I exposed myself that way. Absolutely horrifies me.

So I guess I haven't evolved as much as I thought.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

U-Haul lesbians

"U-Haul" lesbians and relationships

Mental health experts note that the "U-Haul joke" symbolizes the habits of lesbians to form intense emotional connection and the urge to merge. [8] It has been theorized that this "phenomenon" is used by lesbians as an escape from the risks involved with dating. [9] That aversion to the risks with dating is linked to the stunted development of intimate relationships during the teenage years for most gays and lesbians who are normally in the closet at this time. With the freedom of adulthood, lesbians are drawn to the "U-Haul" relationships and the instant gratification and intimacy they create. [10]

Despite the appearance that lesbians do not have difficulties committing to relationships, most experts agree that this behavior is not healthy. [11] One of the negative consequences of quickly moving in together is that the short dating span virtually eliminates serious discussion on many relationship issues, including sexual compatibility, prior to moving in which can manifest itself in various problems down the road.

So this '"phenomenon" is used by lesbians as an escape from the risks involved with dating'... I usually just avoid dating altogether... that seems more efficient.

I am thinking it's time to grow up!

Although it seems I am having U-haul syndrome today with a hypothetical non-existent girlfriend... I think this is mainly because I just moved to a new city, and moving always makes me feel like cuddling up in a safe comfortable warm corner.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Das 27

It has been a long and eventful life... and it will be a much longer and more eventful life. And until last week I was feeling scared.. Getting older, getting more desperate and single and pathetic, and haven't accomplished enough in life, in my career, and no husband no kids... no property no savings... But I feel good. I am getting older, wiser, more confident, more sure of myself, I know what I believe, I know what I want, I don't get pushed around anymore.

I have lived in three major cities as an adult. I am independent, I have a car, a job, some savings, I know what I believe, I have had all sorts of experiences, some good some bad, but I am hopefully the wiser because of them. I have performed on stage, I can dance, I can code, I have made short films, I have coded scientific simulations. I have traveled, I know people all over the globe, different countries, religions, sexualities, political beliefs....

Of course... there are ALSO tons of things I can't do. I mean jeez, I still haven't learnt to swim.. or ski and I haven't ridden a bike since 4th grade! but hey getting there :) It's not the end of the world or the end of life..

And that's another thing.. I am learning to accept and realize that it really isn't the end of the world or the end of my life every time something doesn't go exactly as planned.. and I'm learning to appreciate surprises. And be at peace with my crazy hormones... to the point of appreciating their ability to bring out issues I have been ignoring...

So life is good. And 27 is the perfect age. Not so lost and crazy and confused.. But still hot and in decent health. In fact if i was a guy I would say 25-40 is the perfect age. Before your health deteriorates..

But that's mainly because standards of hotness in society are just younger looking for women than men !

SO much to do, so much to learn.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Quarter life crisis.

Courtesy Wikipedia:

Kazimir Malevich's impressionist Unemployed Girl (1904)
Kazimir Malevich's impressionist Unemployed Girl (1904)

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

  • feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at one's academic/intellectual level
  • frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
  • confusion of identity
  • insecurity regarding the near future
  • insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
  • insecurity regarding present accomplishments
  • re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
  • disappointment with one's job
  • nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
  • tendency to hold stronger opinions
  • boredom with social interactions
  • loss of closeness to high school and college friends
  • financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
  • loneliness
  • desire to have children
  • a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

I have decided life in the US is plutonian. I just looked up plutonian, and that's not the meaning I was going for.... What I meant was... the blank slate has gone to an extreme. You start from scratch over and over again. You move away from home to go to college, you move away from college to go to work. Every time you establish yourself into an identity, form an idea of who you are, the next step in your life is there to destroy all your misconceptions, and test all of these beliefs.

When you are five you are taught to be pure and honest and kind and sincere, and generous and compassionate and humble, as if you can get through life with such noble self less characteristics. You are completely unprepared for the cynical practical competitive capitalistic world you are being thrown into, with nothing to protect you because you are going in with a deluded open heart.

In high school you can be top of your class, the star student, the star child, most popular, whatever, the person with the noble aspirations, the cool kid, etc etc. then you go to college and everyone at your college is top of their class, now what do you do? Not everyone can be top of the class anymore. You have to forget your identity, who you were and re-establish/re-earn that role in college or pick another role.

So now you think you are smart, you are capable, you can do anything, because you have studied so much about the world, you went to a prestigious college, you studied philosophy and science and did research and worked with the smartest people in their fields, you are going to change the world, you are going to be challenged and challenge the status quo...

But guess what, before you get too cocky - the job world, is going to bring you down a few notches again. So what if you studied Socrates and saw how petty politics caused war and strife, you will still have to deal with office politics.. yes it *does* feel like you are back in high school, but so what? You thought going to college and being an adult meant you would grow out of that and never have to deal with it again? No sirree!

Yes your professors thought you had revolutionary ideas, you were smart and special and bright and they were oh so proud of you. Your employer doesn't give a crap. You are there to further your bosses career. They are not there to mentor you, they are there for their own career and to bring home the bacon and break you out of the delusions that college instills in you. So you either better come back down to earth, and realize that even though your professors thought your ideas were worth listening to, it doesn't mean that anyone in the real world with any power at all to implement your oh so revolutionary ideas cares. And now you have to trudge along like the "common people" and climb up the ladder the same way every one else does....


And they wonder where the quarter life crisis comes from.

The quarter life crisis comes when you realise that nothing you were ever told about yourself and the world is true, that you don't know who you are or what you believe and the world is completely incompatible with what you thought it would be.

Next come the thirties,when you decide f*** this s***, I am going to start my own start up!


Honestly though, I think we come full circle. Parents aren't idiots for teaching us noble, compassionate ideals. The hope is that once we get through life and attain the power and stability we fight through our 20s and 30s and 40s to attain.. we will go back to those ideals and chuckle fondly at the young fledglings who are struggling through their crises and tell them, its all going to be ok.

Habib Jalib - Mainay Uss Say Yeh Kaha - Laal

Habib Jalib - Mainay Uss Say Yeh Kaha
Shahram Azhar - Vocals
Taimur Rahman - Music
Mahvash Waqar - Backing Vocals
Taimur Khan - Director Producer
Dita Peskova - Assistant Director
Jamie Mill - Recording Director
Laal & Taimur Khan - Music Producer
WIDEi Films - Production Company

"Main Nay Kaha" is a satirical poem by the famous leftist poet Habib Jalib called "Musheer" (Advisor). Jalib wrote it in response to a conversation he had with Hafiz Jalandari during the time of Ayub Khan's dictatorship. It remains just as fresh and valid today.

The music video contains real images of events in Karachi, London, and Lahore during the tumultuous period between December 27th and February 18th. The song and video were recorded on a shoe-string budget of one session each.

This video and song are connected to a documentary on a journey through a life-changing period in the history of Pakistan. The journey begins in Pakistan on the eve of the assassination of Benazir and the ensuing grief, violence, and carnage. The film maker travels to London to discover a group of young activists organizing protests against Emergency rule. Following these activists full circle to Pakistan, the documentary captures the events around the 2008 elections. The film thus captures a moment in the life of Pakistan, from Benazir's assassination to the elections, through the lens of young activists. The documentary by Widei Films will also be released shortly.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Kate Walsh and David Spade Talk About Maxim's Hot 100

This is really really funny.

On a more serious note, I don't know if I buy into men rooting women against each-other. I think we would be just as competitive in the absence of men. It's not men that make us competitive, it's societal expectations. You grow up being told these are the things you strive for and you have to be the hottest, most charming, most generous, kind, proud, noble, accomplished woman around to get anywhere, and then you are supposed to get along with all the other women who are fighting for the position you are striving for? Hellz no! This is not about men's approval. I mean we are competitive about things men don't even notice! And the same with men. I mean do they think we care how big their balls are? I mean .. really? I would be happy if they didnt have any, but to a man they are IMPORTANT. We are competing on our own terms, not mens.

And objectification, us women love being told we are hot... Please appreciate our beautiful breasts. Just don't act like we aren't there and we don't see you checking us out. Cuz that makes us think you think we are idiots... who are blind. And also it's about you. You kind of have to earn the privilege to admire us. If you are ugly and fat and dumb, we'd much rather not have your approval cuz we assume you have bad taste so it's kind of an insult to us that you like us. You need to be "in our league" to think you have a right to ogle. This isn't about sexism, it's simple darwinism. We don't want to be stuck with the evolutionarily stunted men, and we would like to believe we deserve better..

Of course all these theories are thrown off-kilter when you think about queer sexualities. If you are a lesbian, you don't want any man admiring your whosit whatsits, because that's just not the team you are playing for, and NONE of them are in your league, cuz you're batting for the other team yo. Somehow gay men don't seem to have that issue, they seem to be happy to take admiration wherever it comes from. (stereotypically speaking... not trying to generalize on everyone)...

So what it boils down to for me is "Objectify me, only if I think you're worth objectifying. And don't ever underestimate me."

=O Unbelievable!

The Indonesia Conference of Religions and Peace came to a startling conclusion this past weekend -- homosexuals and homosexuality are natural and created by God, thus permissible within Islam.

The collection of moderate Muslim scholars emphasized that the condemnation and persecution of sexual minorities stem from narrow-minded interpretations of Islamic teachings. Scholar Siti Musdah Mulia, a champion for both Islamic and women’s rights, cites Koran's al-Hujurat (49:3)
"Those that lower their voices in the presence of Allah's Messenger,- their hearts has Allah tested for piety: for them is Forgiveness and a great Reward."
Queer i s t a n


The blog world seems to be the perfect place to be completely narcissistic and have my own little sex and the city column without feeling self absorbed.


Because everyone does it.

That is all for today :)