A couple of things... I realized, I haven't been posting much up here.
I also realized, the few posts that I have been putting up have been ridiculously serious/analytical/angsty and honestly kind of depressing, rather than informative, articulate, interesting, exploratory, which is what I intended at first. (Well, mostly the exploratory part). And the reason is, I was becoming introspective again - Ok fine, I am always introspective, and I always over-think and over-analyze, I wasn't just *becoming* it). Too much introspection always leads me to over-analysis, going around in circles and angst. And I do this when I am feeling anxious, stressed, lost. To gain control over the anxiety, I analyze it to bits. To more than bits, and realizing that isn't doing anything, I go and analyze other unrelated things to bits, and if that's not enough I get angry and frustrated about other things that are completely outside my realm of experience or control and failing that I make up reasons to be upset or get upset about things that wouldn't normally matter.
Anyway, my point is, that this thakki patang needs a bit of soul food to calm her down from her flailing, so she can recuperate and get back into living her life!
Of course, currently I am sitting around bored to death because my brain feels like it's burning, I can feel the smoke coming out of it - and I am not sure if its the flu or a migraine or just indoor heating, but that's what it is.
So since I am stuck at home, and secretly grateful I get a day off from stressing about what I have to do, I have been lying on my couch and watching "Something's Gotta Give". Finally. I had been meaning to see this movie forever, because it has two of my favorite tv personalities in it: Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. Diane Keaton because she does such great justice to neurotic women like me, and Jack Nicholson cuz he's just plain nuts in an awesome kind of a way. I was 'nesting' and I needed to watch old nostalgic faces and cheesy movies.
The movie is adorable and made me feel all happy and fuzzy inside. Except the thing about these feel good movies is, everyone has a glamorous well paid job and is settled and surrounded by family and loved ones, they have beach houses and the weather is always great, except when you have an intense night time scene when it suddenly starts raining - and everyone always has a chance to turn their life around, no matter how neurotic or insane they may be. So the cynical side of me says, yeah easy for them to make these decisions.. But maybe there is a hidden truth in this. Maybe it really is just about optimism. Maybe you are supposed to whine and wish and throw a tantrum and blink your eyes and opportunities show up in your lap. And even if they don't, it's kind of fun to throw a tantrum anyway, isn't it? Who cares if noone is listening, once in a while you should be allowed to just cry and shout and put on some death metal and sing along at the top of your lungs.. oh god that imagery just traumatized my currently very fragile brain!
In other news, a friend of mine emailed me in the middle of the night, telling me about this Indian graphic novel artist who is "hot, smart and gay" and that it reminded her of me. Yes, I am going to sound horribly vain, but I'm way hotter than her! Although I am flattered that a hot smart gay woman would remind my friend of me :P... Anyway, I get a little annoyed around my own kind, and I am guessing it's a mix of a bit of self hatred and a desire to not be defined by my demographic (see the Lying post). So my first reaction to the angsty tortured other brown queers out there, in the eternal words of Will from Will and Grace is:
"WILL: Oh, who cares? So--so they sell a few less copies of some crappy coming out story. [WHINING] "I'm so confused. I don't understand my feelings." Do a one-man show like everybody else!"
Ok, in all honesty, I am being unduly harsh because I get exhausted from my own confused identity issues, and lifeness and feelings and all that fun stuff. It's a relief to just laugh it off.
My brain is bailing out. Need to get some shut-eye. adios.