Chaos

I felt like I escaped chaos when I came to the US. The chaos and madness of life. The unpredictability and uncontrollability of human nature. I didn't feel I was strong enough to handle it, or brave enough to unleash my own nature. And so I sheltered myself, hid in the artificial but peaceful and controlled environment that is MA. Which somehow allows me to come out of my shell, cuz people aren't attacking or fighting or competing or just being the savage crazy animals that they are. The place is prosperous enough to afford to have all sorts of rules and boundaries and allow people to have all sorts of rights. I guess it was civilization, outside of the jungle that is the rest of the world. But this whole quebecois thing, it reminds me of the outside world. It is close enough to the US to fool you. But it's in the way people drive, it's in their expressions, their clothing, their temperament. They aren't afraid and bound by rules. They have their own personalities. They are competitive and aggressive and moody as hell. They aren't as plastic as MA.

I needed that escape, that time away from the madness of human nature. But maybe I am ready to start exposing myself to life again.

Started reading Sexual personnae by Camille Paglia yesterday. She pisses me off the same way Freud pisses me off. The way she focuses on the base nature of man, and yet... it ties into all this. The uncontrollable nature of life. This is why we need faith.

I think all this time spent alone with myself is making me push the boundaries of madness.