Tuesday, May 27, 2008



I just read this article about "thinspo/thinspiration" films - designed to inspire the viewers to reach their "goals"... and this paragraph jumped out at me.

On a formal level, thinspiration rejects the conventions of propaganda and advertising, instead borrowing devices from two other forms, one traditional and one digital. The traditional form is women’s confessional poems and diaries, including the work of Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton and Louise Gl├╝ck. A woman who is furtive, prolific, deeply melancholy, proud of her sacrifices, furious at her family’s various offenses, frustrated with her body and protective of her supreme right to destroy herself — this persona, in America, at least, was the invention of poets like Plath, whose teasing and savage voice, even now, is every bit as bracing as the thinspo videos. The cacophony of female archetypes in Plath’s work — little girl (“Daddy, daddy”), avenging Cassandra (“Do I terrify?”) and wan martyr (“the long gone darlings”) — turn up in the thinspiration videos, too, which feature women looking alternately like schoolgirls, madwomen and saints. Sarcasm and assonance characterize thinspo poetry: “Eat no evil.”

Yes it said protective of her supreme right to destroy herself. This... sentiment... feels so familiar. It is like a protest against the gaudy twittering greedy loud gluttonous interfering blinding obese consumerist excesses that have taken over society and hence on some level justified - honorable, cleansing... protestant? And perhaps... maybe... it is an extreme reaction to precisely that over-consumerism in society. Maybe to get rid of anorexia, we have to get rid of obesity?

Or maybe it's just a physical manifestation of the self loathing (self sacrifice?) guilt (conscience) we are brought up feeling. The self sacrifice, the promotion of simplicity, the rejection of excesses are all honorable sentiments. It's when you practice it in excess that it becomes a problem :)

Depression can cause you to over eat to fill up the emptiness.. or starve yourself to punish yourself. Both sides are caused by a feeling of uneasiness. We are just trying to feel whole and in control. You control the emptiness by making it complete or you go on the impossible quest of getting rid of it through consumption that is never enough. You try to feel whole. Whole-y empty or Whole-y full. I dont know if this is really about body image.

It goes on to say:

Setting aside the mystifying proposition that anorexia be seen as a lifestyle choice (as some extremist pro-anorexia sites maintain), as well as the age-old riddle of whether popular culture can produce mental illness, what seems most significant about the thinspiration videos is that they’re not propaganda or even entertainment, but an effort, however misguided, at art.

Food for thought.

Friday, May 16, 2008


This post is a little scattered and jumping from one thing to the next.. trust me these things are connected - somehow.

I just read some things I wrote when I was with my ex and in college...

And talked to a friend of mine about how I used to throw breakfast down the toilet when I was a kid..

I don't recognize myself in these people. In these people who existed before... and yet I feel all this affection and love for the little scared kid who threw away her breakfast. And I feel exposed and vulnerable and wistful reading the things I wrote when I was a cocky college-goer in my first relationship thinking that being direct and honest made me above relationship drama, not realizing I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole.

Naive. Scared. Confused.

I think it's sick to bring children up using the fear and guilt of religion as ways to discipline them. Telling them god will punish them if they don't do one thing or do something else. It's sick, it's blackmail. It's giving them no option to defend them self or their point of view and makes them feel guilty for having a different point of view or feelings or desires. And emotionally black mailing moms... they are so prevalent.. maybe I will understand when I am a mother, but right now, it just feels utterly cruel to emotionally blackmail your own kids! I mean ok fine, when they are older and leaving you and you are scared that you don't know how to be someone that is not a mom, I can see that... or maybe that's the problem. You need to not forget how to be not a mom, and be yourself, otherwise you do cling on enough to emotionally blackmail. When we don't look after ourselves and our self is defined by the fact that someone else needs us, we can't ever be truly sincere. Co-dependence, in a nutshell.

My mom was always in a state of emergency. Constantly. And I was always sitting there wide eyed waiting for the next emergency instruction. Except I could not swallow food when I was nervous. We would always be rushing in the morning because I had to catch my school bus otherwise my mom would have to drive me (which meant I would never ever hear the end of it)! And my mom would never let us go to school without breakfast. That is why my poor little breakfast secretly went down the toilet. So I could just get out of my mother's war path and get to school and get some peace.

But I am not that person anymore... except on some level I am. College seems to be those few years, I dared to say what I was thinking and demand being accepted the way I was, and I look back on it, and it horrifies me that I exposed myself that way. Absolutely horrifies me.

So I guess I haven't evolved as much as I thought.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

U-Haul lesbians


"U-Haul" lesbians and relationships

Mental health experts note that the "U-Haul joke" symbolizes the habits of lesbians to form intense emotional connection and the urge to merge. [8] It has been theorized that this "phenomenon" is used by lesbians as an escape from the risks involved with dating. [9] That aversion to the risks with dating is linked to the stunted development of intimate relationships during the teenage years for most gays and lesbians who are normally in the closet at this time. With the freedom of adulthood, lesbians are drawn to the "U-Haul" relationships and the instant gratification and intimacy they create. [10]

Despite the appearance that lesbians do not have difficulties committing to relationships, most experts agree that this behavior is not healthy. [11] One of the negative consequences of quickly moving in together is that the short dating span virtually eliminates serious discussion on many relationship issues, including sexual compatibility, prior to moving in which can manifest itself in various problems down the road.

So this '"phenomenon" is used by lesbians as an escape from the risks involved with dating'... I usually just avoid dating altogether... that seems more efficient.

I am thinking it's time to grow up!

Although it seems I am having U-haul syndrome today with a hypothetical non-existent girlfriend... I think this is mainly because I just moved to a new city, and moving always makes me feel like cuddling up in a safe comfortable warm corner.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Das 27

It has been a long and eventful life... and it will be a much longer and more eventful life. And until last week I was feeling scared.. Getting older, getting more desperate and single and pathetic, and haven't accomplished enough in life, in my career, and no husband no kids... no property no savings... But I feel good. I am getting older, wiser, more confident, more sure of myself, I know what I believe, I know what I want, I don't get pushed around anymore.

I have lived in three major cities as an adult. I am independent, I have a car, a job, some savings, I know what I believe, I have had all sorts of experiences, some good some bad, but I am hopefully the wiser because of them. I have performed on stage, I can dance, I can code, I have made short films, I have coded scientific simulations. I have traveled, I know people all over the globe, different countries, religions, sexualities, political beliefs....

Of course... there are ALSO tons of things I can't do. I mean jeez, I still haven't learnt to swim.. or ski and I haven't ridden a bike since 4th grade! but hey getting there :) It's not the end of the world or the end of life..

And that's another thing.. I am learning to accept and realize that it really isn't the end of the world or the end of my life every time something doesn't go exactly as planned.. and I'm learning to appreciate surprises. And be at peace with my crazy hormones... to the point of appreciating their ability to bring out issues I have been ignoring...

So life is good. And 27 is the perfect age. Not so lost and crazy and confused.. But still hot and in decent health. In fact if i was a guy I would say 25-40 is the perfect age. Before your health deteriorates..

But that's mainly because standards of hotness in society are just younger looking for women than men !

SO much to do, so much to learn.