Monday, January 19, 2009
Blogging intentions: updated
I started this blog about 9 months ago to have my own little "sex and the city" column. Except I don't date much, and even worse I am intentionally going through a very dry spell right now as I try to figure out what the hell is going on with my life. So ironically enough, I have drifted from the stated intent of the blog to the actual title of the blog. I am in the midst of a serious Quarter Life CRISIS!!!!!
Friday, January 9, 2009
The female Hitch?
In a previous post about dating, when I went on a date with a (unbeknown to be me) married man, I talked about how my friend advised me to .. well basically look sexy, and the way I expressed it in my feminazi post was to make him sound like a chauvinist who is promoting objectification of women, which of course made him very happy :P (note: sarcasm)
In any case.. watch the trailer.
In any case.. watch the trailer.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Survival in today's economy
When you are starving, and the people around you aren't.. and they watch helplessly cuz they don't know how to help you. You feel anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment. They don't know what you need, they don't have it to give it to you. And you feel desperate, so you resent them, looking for something someone to quench your hunger.
There must be a term for this. There is survivor guilt, but what do the people who don't survive feel (assuming they are still alive). Resentment. Abandonment. Because people naturally feel the need to stick together, and people naturally expect that... Except capitalistic society these days, works on the assumption that human beings are selfish, and will automatically pick the individual over the group... and based on society rules, and what we are told, we do exactly that. We look after our own survival, but it's not nearly as simple as that. Our natural human instincts are still there, the anger, resentment, guilt continues to exist. We know in the end, we survive better as a group than alone.
I found this article about Lay-off Survivors. Capitalism continues doing what it does, and the unnatural nature of it leaves us uneasy.
There must be a term for this. There is survivor guilt, but what do the people who don't survive feel (assuming they are still alive). Resentment. Abandonment. Because people naturally feel the need to stick together, and people naturally expect that... Except capitalistic society these days, works on the assumption that human beings are selfish, and will automatically pick the individual over the group... and based on society rules, and what we are told, we do exactly that. We look after our own survival, but it's not nearly as simple as that. Our natural human instincts are still there, the anger, resentment, guilt continues to exist. We know in the end, we survive better as a group than alone.
I found this article about Lay-off Survivors. Capitalism continues doing what it does, and the unnatural nature of it leaves us uneasy.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Secret, special childhood places
"Coming down off the nova somewhere near the boiled egg that is the Royal Albert Hall, we watch Paul's sun crossed with John's star and hold ice cream hands. Someone slipped on a cassette as the one you wanted left with someone else but somehow it was cool because as the music filled the shadows, you heard a sound that was a million miles away from fakery and a step away from your heart.
Just like it always did, this sound puts the swagger back into your step, the rush into your blood but somehow, and i don't know how, they had become deeper, wider, soulful, better at their craft, inspired by so many things like a word that is tilting who knows where, and the applause they always knew was theirs but waited so impatiently to receive. Words cut you from all angles, backed up by a monumental sound that rises high, high, and high to crash against your rocks and then changes, majestically and magically to soothe the wounds inside.
As you are dragged inside on this trip abandon, you hear a council estate singing its heart out, you hear the clink of loose change that is never enough to buy what you need, boredom and poverty, hours spent with a burnt out guitar, dirty pubs and cracked up pavements, violence and love, all rolled into one, and now all this.
At the end you flip over and start again because now you are not isolated. They have gone to work so that you can go home. High above the day turns pink and you feel your feet lift above the ground as new roads open in front of you. In this town the jury is always rigged but the people know. They always know the truth. Believe. Belief. Beyond. Their morning glory.
-P.H in the summer of '95-"
This is on the CD sleeves of one of my favorite albums.
Well.. I don't really have favorite albums. I like lots of individual songs, and then there was one band (Oasis) that I somehow became obsessed with. Never really felt that way about any other band. And I would say I got obsessed cuz of my sister, but it's not true, she just introduced them to me, and then they became mine. I almost feel competitive, it's like the kind of jealous love that says no, only *I* have that secret special connection with them. And I guess in reality it doesn't really matter or make sense... and it seems a little adolescent to have that reaction... but does it really matter if it's mature or not. If something feels true and close to your heart then that's the way it is.
And why? Because there are so many things in this world that have been cheapened by cynicism and media attention, and mockery and there are so many things you have to stop believing in when you grow up, no more magical mystery kingdoms, no more neverlands, no more secret gardens, no more jumping into holes that take you to wonderland. All those beautiful places where you could believe in love and adventure and find friends that get you. And somehow... british literature and music and folklore seems to have preserved that - (or maybe just for me, because my childhood fantasies mostly came from british children's literature) ... but... they have an homage to Peter Pan who refuses to grow up in Never neverland in the middle of Hyde Park. They have a gate marked to go to Hogwarts at their train station, they have Baker St covered in Sherlock Holmes references and Abbey Rd with the Beatles. They were home to the Beatles, to John Lennon, to the guy who wrote Imagine. It's where "Beethoven's Medal" was written. It's a country which is as romantic as it is cynical. As magical as it is oppressive and imperialist. And I don't know how they manage to be both. They are obsessed with elitism and class, but at the same time have an amazingly rich working class culture. And I am so glad, that the americans resent them, and treat them like a step parent, because I want all that romance to be safe from the cynical overly commercial politically correct cheap glare of the american media.
Oasis... and the Beatles, and Peter Pan represent to me that special secret intimate place, the secret garden I can go to when I want to believe in romance and adventure and magic and beauty and truth and heartfelt passion far away from the harsh glare of cynical "reality".
And I guess the thing about Oasis and the Beatles IS that they don't apologize for being romantic and idealistic and they come from working class backgrounds. There is something to be said for people who are sincere and idealistic *after* they have seen and experienced things that should make people too mature to be idealistic, rather than someone who is idealistic due to naivete. And that's worthy of some respect. I want to be that. I want to be a romantic and not lose touch with my true selfness... which I know I can do in secret. I just want to be able to do it without being self conscious or worrying about seeming silly or cheesy or melodramatic.. without apologizing for it. But at the same time keeping it light.. without taking myself overly seriously. Is that contradictory? Who knows?
Note:
Ok so I re-read this, and I realize I romanticise them Brits like it was my homeland away from home... I hate to be such a cheesy, stereotypical example of post-colonial identity... but I swear, it's special-er than that dammit! I like the WORKING CLASS, not the uppity weirdos that colonized our country! THAT, my friend, is a very important difference!
Just like it always did, this sound puts the swagger back into your step, the rush into your blood but somehow, and i don't know how, they had become deeper, wider, soulful, better at their craft, inspired by so many things like a word that is tilting who knows where, and the applause they always knew was theirs but waited so impatiently to receive. Words cut you from all angles, backed up by a monumental sound that rises high, high, and high to crash against your rocks and then changes, majestically and magically to soothe the wounds inside.
As you are dragged inside on this trip abandon, you hear a council estate singing its heart out, you hear the clink of loose change that is never enough to buy what you need, boredom and poverty, hours spent with a burnt out guitar, dirty pubs and cracked up pavements, violence and love, all rolled into one, and now all this.
At the end you flip over and start again because now you are not isolated. They have gone to work so that you can go home. High above the day turns pink and you feel your feet lift above the ground as new roads open in front of you. In this town the jury is always rigged but the people know. They always know the truth. Believe. Belief. Beyond. Their morning glory.
-P.H in the summer of '95-"
This is on the CD sleeves of one of my favorite albums.
Well.. I don't really have favorite albums. I like lots of individual songs, and then there was one band (Oasis) that I somehow became obsessed with. Never really felt that way about any other band. And I would say I got obsessed cuz of my sister, but it's not true, she just introduced them to me, and then they became mine. I almost feel competitive, it's like the kind of jealous love that says no, only *I* have that secret special connection with them. And I guess in reality it doesn't really matter or make sense... and it seems a little adolescent to have that reaction... but does it really matter if it's mature or not. If something feels true and close to your heart then that's the way it is.
And why? Because there are so many things in this world that have been cheapened by cynicism and media attention, and mockery and there are so many things you have to stop believing in when you grow up, no more magical mystery kingdoms, no more neverlands, no more secret gardens, no more jumping into holes that take you to wonderland. All those beautiful places where you could believe in love and adventure and find friends that get you. And somehow... british literature and music and folklore seems to have preserved that - (or maybe just for me, because my childhood fantasies mostly came from british children's literature) ... but... they have an homage to Peter Pan who refuses to grow up in Never neverland in the middle of Hyde Park. They have a gate marked to go to Hogwarts at their train station, they have Baker St covered in Sherlock Holmes references and Abbey Rd with the Beatles. They were home to the Beatles, to John Lennon, to the guy who wrote Imagine. It's where "Beethoven's Medal" was written. It's a country which is as romantic as it is cynical. As magical as it is oppressive and imperialist. And I don't know how they manage to be both. They are obsessed with elitism and class, but at the same time have an amazingly rich working class culture. And I am so glad, that the americans resent them, and treat them like a step parent, because I want all that romance to be safe from the cynical overly commercial politically correct cheap glare of the american media.
Oasis... and the Beatles, and Peter Pan represent to me that special secret intimate place, the secret garden I can go to when I want to believe in romance and adventure and magic and beauty and truth and heartfelt passion far away from the harsh glare of cynical "reality".
And I guess the thing about Oasis and the Beatles IS that they don't apologize for being romantic and idealistic and they come from working class backgrounds. There is something to be said for people who are sincere and idealistic *after* they have seen and experienced things that should make people too mature to be idealistic, rather than someone who is idealistic due to naivete. And that's worthy of some respect. I want to be that. I want to be a romantic and not lose touch with my true selfness... which I know I can do in secret. I just want to be able to do it without being self conscious or worrying about seeming silly or cheesy or melodramatic.. without apologizing for it. But at the same time keeping it light.. without taking myself overly seriously. Is that contradictory? Who knows?
Note:
Ok so I re-read this, and I realize I romanticise them Brits like it was my homeland away from home... I hate to be such a cheesy, stereotypical example of post-colonial identity... but I swear, it's special-er than that dammit! I like the WORKING CLASS, not the uppity weirdos that colonized our country! THAT, my friend, is a very important difference!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Happy Endings
A couple of things... I realized, I haven't been posting much up here.
I also realized, the few posts that I have been putting up have been ridiculously serious/analytical/angsty and honestly kind of depressing, rather than informative, articulate, interesting, exploratory, which is what I intended at first. (Well, mostly the exploratory part). And the reason is, I was becoming introspective again - Ok fine, I am always introspective, and I always over-think and over-analyze, I wasn't just *becoming* it). Too much introspection always leads me to over-analysis, going around in circles and angst. And I do this when I am feeling anxious, stressed, lost. To gain control over the anxiety, I analyze it to bits. To more than bits, and realizing that isn't doing anything, I go and analyze other unrelated things to bits, and if that's not enough I get angry and frustrated about other things that are completely outside my realm of experience or control and failing that I make up reasons to be upset or get upset about things that wouldn't normally matter.
Anyway, my point is, that this thakki patang needs a bit of soul food to calm her down from her flailing, so she can recuperate and get back into living her life!
Of course, currently I am sitting around bored to death because my brain feels like it's burning, I can feel the smoke coming out of it - and I am not sure if its the flu or a migraine or just indoor heating, but that's what it is.
So since I am stuck at home, and secretly grateful I get a day off from stressing about what I have to do, I have been lying on my couch and watching "Something's Gotta Give". Finally. I had been meaning to see this movie forever, because it has two of my favorite tv personalities in it: Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. Diane Keaton because she does such great justice to neurotic women like me, and Jack Nicholson cuz he's just plain nuts in an awesome kind of a way. I was 'nesting' and I needed to watch old nostalgic faces and cheesy movies.
The movie is adorable and made me feel all happy and fuzzy inside. Except the thing about these feel good movies is, everyone has a glamorous well paid job and is settled and surrounded by family and loved ones, they have beach houses and the weather is always great, except when you have an intense night time scene when it suddenly starts raining - and everyone always has a chance to turn their life around, no matter how neurotic or insane they may be. So the cynical side of me says, yeah easy for them to make these decisions.. But maybe there is a hidden truth in this. Maybe it really is just about optimism. Maybe you are supposed to whine and wish and throw a tantrum and blink your eyes and opportunities show up in your lap. And even if they don't, it's kind of fun to throw a tantrum anyway, isn't it? Who cares if noone is listening, once in a while you should be allowed to just cry and shout and put on some death metal and sing along at the top of your lungs.. oh god that imagery just traumatized my currently very fragile brain!
In other news, a friend of mine emailed me in the middle of the night, telling me about this Indian graphic novel artist who is "hot, smart and gay" and that it reminded her of me. Yes, I am going to sound horribly vain, but I'm way hotter than her! Although I am flattered that a hot smart gay woman would remind my friend of me :P... Anyway, I get a little annoyed around my own kind, and I am guessing it's a mix of a bit of self hatred and a desire to not be defined by my demographic (see the Lying post). So my first reaction to the angsty tortured other brown queers out there, in the eternal words of Will from Will and Grace is:
"WILL: Oh, who cares? So--so they sell a few less copies of some crappy coming out story. [WHINING] "I'm so confused. I don't understand my feelings." Do a one-man show like everybody else!"
Ok, in all honesty, I am being unduly harsh because I get exhausted from my own confused identity issues, and lifeness and feelings and all that fun stuff. It's a relief to just laugh it off.
My brain is bailing out. Need to get some shut-eye. adios.
I also realized, the few posts that I have been putting up have been ridiculously serious/analytical/angsty and honestly kind of depressing, rather than informative, articulate, interesting, exploratory, which is what I intended at first. (Well, mostly the exploratory part). And the reason is, I was becoming introspective again - Ok fine, I am always introspective, and I always over-think and over-analyze, I wasn't just *becoming* it). Too much introspection always leads me to over-analysis, going around in circles and angst. And I do this when I am feeling anxious, stressed, lost. To gain control over the anxiety, I analyze it to bits. To more than bits, and realizing that isn't doing anything, I go and analyze other unrelated things to bits, and if that's not enough I get angry and frustrated about other things that are completely outside my realm of experience or control and failing that I make up reasons to be upset or get upset about things that wouldn't normally matter.
Anyway, my point is, that this thakki patang needs a bit of soul food to calm her down from her flailing, so she can recuperate and get back into living her life!
Of course, currently I am sitting around bored to death because my brain feels like it's burning, I can feel the smoke coming out of it - and I am not sure if its the flu or a migraine or just indoor heating, but that's what it is.
So since I am stuck at home, and secretly grateful I get a day off from stressing about what I have to do, I have been lying on my couch and watching "Something's Gotta Give". Finally. I had been meaning to see this movie forever, because it has two of my favorite tv personalities in it: Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. Diane Keaton because she does such great justice to neurotic women like me, and Jack Nicholson cuz he's just plain nuts in an awesome kind of a way. I was 'nesting' and I needed to watch old nostalgic faces and cheesy movies.
The movie is adorable and made me feel all happy and fuzzy inside. Except the thing about these feel good movies is, everyone has a glamorous well paid job and is settled and surrounded by family and loved ones, they have beach houses and the weather is always great, except when you have an intense night time scene when it suddenly starts raining - and everyone always has a chance to turn their life around, no matter how neurotic or insane they may be. So the cynical side of me says, yeah easy for them to make these decisions.. But maybe there is a hidden truth in this. Maybe it really is just about optimism. Maybe you are supposed to whine and wish and throw a tantrum and blink your eyes and opportunities show up in your lap. And even if they don't, it's kind of fun to throw a tantrum anyway, isn't it? Who cares if noone is listening, once in a while you should be allowed to just cry and shout and put on some death metal and sing along at the top of your lungs.. oh god that imagery just traumatized my currently very fragile brain!
In other news, a friend of mine emailed me in the middle of the night, telling me about this Indian graphic novel artist who is "hot, smart and gay" and that it reminded her of me. Yes, I am going to sound horribly vain, but I'm way hotter than her! Although I am flattered that a hot smart gay woman would remind my friend of me :P... Anyway, I get a little annoyed around my own kind, and I am guessing it's a mix of a bit of self hatred and a desire to not be defined by my demographic (see the Lying post). So my first reaction to the angsty tortured other brown queers out there, in the eternal words of Will from Will and Grace is:
"WILL: Oh, who cares? So--so they sell a few less copies of some crappy coming out story. [WHINING] "I'm so confused. I don't understand my feelings." Do a one-man show like everybody else!"
Ok, in all honesty, I am being unduly harsh because I get exhausted from my own confused identity issues, and lifeness and feelings and all that fun stuff. It's a relief to just laugh it off.
My brain is bailing out. Need to get some shut-eye. adios.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
AA and religious indoctrination
I was told by a friend once, that because I come from a "dysfunctional family background", she has noticed that I seem to have a lot of the patterns that "Adult Children of Alcoholics" tend to have. Fair enough. Having come from what would be considered a dysfunctional family, and admittedly being well aware that some thing needed to change in my personal life (yeah yeah), I figured this was worth researching.
And I did. And I found plenty of websites talking about support for adult children, often pointing out that they meant children growing up in alcoholic "or otherwise dysfunctional homes". Great! They also talked about patterns in these adult children, which demonstrate the problems they might experience in their lives, talking about the roles children take on in dysfunctional/alcoholic families:
The Roles are as follows:
- Responsible child: Good at taking control/leadership, but can be control freakish.
- Adjuster: aka "Lost child" Let people walk all over them, have difficulty making their own decisions, want to basically hide from the world, and not be asked to take any control. Will do anything, if you just leave them alone.
- Placater: Have a savior mentality, also let people walk all over them, but instead of being passive like the adjuster, they actively want to help these people, but feel guilty if they try and focus on themselves.
- Acting-Out child: Rebellious, disruptive, angry, demanding attention, tend to make good leaders but not good with authority.
So far, so good. I can see a bit of all of those in me. I can be control freakish, I can also be very avoidance-y and overly flexible just so people let me be, I have also in the past, tried to save people, but gotten very uncomfortable if anyone expects me to be vulnerable. And I never "acted out" with my actual family, but I have with friends.
So yes, those tendencies do tend to develop, when you grow up in a not necessarily nurturing, safe feeling household. Of course all of these could be expressed as "good" things.
- Responsible is good.
- Adjuster means you are adaptable, that's good.
- Placater, is just a kind hearted soul that wants nothing in return...
- And acting out, can also be good. Speaks up for themselves, isn't a minion of society etc.
So what's the problem here? The problem is that those qualities exist to help you cope with difficult times. Which is useful, but if you have the chance to have a not difficult life, you get confused, cuz you never learnt how to prosper, when given the opportunity.. well atleast if you were one of the first three. I would think the Acting out child would fare best with making the best of opportunities. Why? Because they got all their anger and frustration out of the way early, now they just need to move on.
The real uniting factor in all 4 types is, the inability to rely on other people to help you. 4 is saying, I'll survive on my own, I don't need you. 1 is saying, i don't trust you to take charge, so i am going to do it. 2 is saying I don't trust people so I would rather just be left alone. And 3 is saying everything is my fault, so i will fix it, i don't deserve any help from anyone else.
In any case, reading all this, I was convinced, this could be helpful, there might be something to this! They know what the problem is, so how do they solve it...
Aah. The 12 step program... sure, we have all heard about it, but I didn't actual know what the meat of it was. So I start reading it:
The 12 Steps
Read it. Read it again. And laugh. Because that's what I did.
What this said to me was, we know your problem, and it blows, let Jesus Christ be your savior. Of course if any secularist catches on to what's really going on, let's use liberal, hippy sounding words like "higher power" and "God, as we understand God".
Okay so honestly, the mention of a higher power, and god as we understand god, would not bother me so much if:
a) It didn't complete estrange anyone who wanted to learn to survive alcoholism, without being indoctrinated into theism. It's just plain unfair, that atheists and agnostics, not be allowed a safe space to recover, just like any other human being.
b) Personally, I have had a hard time with lack of faith, and maybe that is the problem. The inability to trust others, or to rely on others, comes from a lack of faith. So I would understand that, if the 12 steps didn't also focus so much on 'humility', and 'making amends'. This isn't just theism indoctrination, this is specifically Christian indoctrination. Even after acknowledging that all these tendencies in us, take place because of circumstances, we are expected to:
- feel guilty
- and take all the blame
- and feel uncooperative if we don't want to
1) Is AA effective?
2) Atheism and Recovery
3) How AA Steals your Soul
Having said all that, and having decided AA is a preposterous abuse of power
(although nothing new, religious indoctrination has always been done through the weak of society. Find the ones in need, and offer to save them, and in their vulnerable state and your position of power they will believe whatever you tell them), what does one do?
It's easy to poke holes and find fault in the people actually trying to make a difference, but unless I have a different solution, it's all rather pointless, isn't it?
I am no psychology expert, I have not actually professionally studied this subject and so in all honesty, this is admittedly only going to be useful for me, but here is my solution which is a shorter "five step program" which basically runs on a few principles:
- understanding the objective reality of you, your parents, your life.
- allowing yourself to feel and understand your emotions.
- understanding what you may have been doing to sabotage things, and what you may have been doing to make things better. Feel pride in your accomplishments, and if you feel like it's the right thing, resolve to change the sabotaging behavior.
- change self sabotaging habits.
- developing a support system/learning to trust, by being realistic about who to trust and who not to and how much and at what stage of the relationship/friendship.
1) Take stock of the reality of your past life and your current situation, this involves:
a) Understanding why you are the way you are.(when I was a 3 yr old this happened, my parents generally behave this way, so i responded that way. My dad was like this, so I expect all men to be like this, and became a lesbian, whatever. ).
b) And why you are where you are in your life. (My mom selfishly used her kids as sounding boards, so now I selfishly use my kids as sounding boards, except now they hate me and are all wanting to run away from home, and that makes me feel sad. My dad made me lost all trust in men, so now I am a cruel bitch to all the men I meet who show a remote interest in me, and so I am unhappy and alone and constantly on guard, and have a bunch of men who think I am an ass, and feel like I am becoming an old maid. I was forced to grow up too early in my family, and so I am way ahead of all my peers and doing really well in my career, my family loves me cuz they know they can rely on me and I am generally quite happy.)
2) Get in touch with how you feel. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Validate yourself. Acknowledge yourself. Humor yourself. Get angry, get sad, cry, shout, sing, celebrate, dance, paint, express yourself! Depending on what your coping mechanisms have been so far, this part may vary. If you are a control freak, allow yourself to relax and admit that once in a while, you wish someone else would take responsibility. If you are an adjuster, admit that it would feel so good, if people could adjust to your life and schedule rather than the other way around. If you are a placater, admit that you would like to be taken care of once in a while, if you are an acting outer, you have already taken the anger step, admit that you wish once in a while that you could trust people and.
3) Figure out what you want. After having allowed yourself to feel your emotions, narrow it down to your wishes, desires, wants.
a) Figuring out what you want your life to be like and how much of what you want you already have. (not just the "I don't want to marry a man like my dad" or "I don't want to be stuck all my life trying to be a savior for my girlfriend" but also "I want to be surrounded by bollywood and mangos", "I want to be a good mother who understands her own and her children's needs", or "I want to make my mom pay back for all the grief she gave me as a child, by being my babysitter for when I have kids and hence saving me tons of money in daycare")
4) Develop a support system. In the meantime, be your own support system. Learning to trust discriminatingly:
- Start making friends, but don't reveal all immediately.
- Let people earn your trust, don't set them up for failure, don't assume success, it takes time to realistically form trustworthy friends, let it take time.
- Regarding let it take time. Knowing your life history, it's unfair to yourself to expect yourself to open up to people too quickly. It's also unfair to expect other people to be completely sincere without giving them the time to get to know you. AND it's also unkind to yourself to not give yourself the opportunity to make real friends. In the meantime, you have needs, you want kindness and safety and friends.. well tough! You have to work on it. In the meantime, give yourself a break, be kind to yourself, do things to pamper yourself, focus on the good things in life, do things that you enjoy doing, don't push yourself too hard to be happy, but don't be a recluse either.
5) Learn from the past and get what you want from the third step.
- After having recognized the patterns that create situations that you desire/dislike in your life, make sure to take stock of what patterns you like, and what patterns you don't like.
- With negative patterns, figure out what you could do instead that will get you the results you want.
- With positive patterns, keep it up!
With these five steps, it's useful to go back and restock once in a while (though doing it constantly could just become addictive and unsettling). Don't drudge up the past over and over again, but redo the parts that may have changed.
- Check where you are now in your life.
- Look at what you did to get there.
- Congratulate yourself on the progress you have made.
- Mourn the parts you have f-ed up and resolve to make changes.
- Mourn the things that happened that weren't in your control, go through the grief steps till you accept them.
http://www.essortment.com/all/stagesofgri_rvkg.htm
http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/grief.html
- Be patient, take your time.
- Trust yourself.
It's hard to do this stuff on your own. You need feedback, you need someone outside of you checking in to make sure you are following up on what you are doing, you need objective opinions when you get lost, and you need the moral support of people you trust. Since people with these kinds of situations, often are surrounded with people they don't trust, or people who don't want them to change (since that will throw their friendship/relationships into precarious territory), it's usually best to see a therapist. But not everyone can afford that, so you have to suck it up and try and do it on your own - the key is to be understanding with yourself and realize that it's a difficult process and it's ok if you falter once in a while, but also to remind yourself that in the end it will make you a happier person and so it's worth it to keep trying.
Now you have a plan to improve your life, and a resolve to make the best of what you have right now. Indoctrination time!! ;):
- Zen buddhism says live in the moment, be mindful be aware.
- monotheistic religions focus on the afterlife, on the future.
- And psychotherapy focuses on the past, and the future. My past sucked, and I am broken, so I must fix myself for the future.
At the end of the day, what everyone needs is balance. Understand your past, but don't dwell on it, plan for the future, but don't fixate on it. Enjoy your present, cuz that's your life, but don't be so caught up in the present all the time that you don't acknowledge the reality of or plan for your future.
And I did. And I found plenty of websites talking about support for adult children, often pointing out that they meant children growing up in alcoholic "or otherwise dysfunctional homes". Great! They also talked about patterns in these adult children, which demonstrate the problems they might experience in their lives, talking about the roles children take on in dysfunctional/alcoholic families:
The Roles are as follows:
- Responsible child: Good at taking control/leadership, but can be control freakish.
- Adjuster: aka "Lost child" Let people walk all over them, have difficulty making their own decisions, want to basically hide from the world, and not be asked to take any control. Will do anything, if you just leave them alone.
- Placater: Have a savior mentality, also let people walk all over them, but instead of being passive like the adjuster, they actively want to help these people, but feel guilty if they try and focus on themselves.
- Acting-Out child: Rebellious, disruptive, angry, demanding attention, tend to make good leaders but not good with authority.
So far, so good. I can see a bit of all of those in me. I can be control freakish, I can also be very avoidance-y and overly flexible just so people let me be, I have also in the past, tried to save people, but gotten very uncomfortable if anyone expects me to be vulnerable. And I never "acted out" with my actual family, but I have with friends.
So yes, those tendencies do tend to develop, when you grow up in a not necessarily nurturing, safe feeling household. Of course all of these could be expressed as "good" things.
- Responsible is good.
- Adjuster means you are adaptable, that's good.
- Placater, is just a kind hearted soul that wants nothing in return...
- And acting out, can also be good. Speaks up for themselves, isn't a minion of society etc.
So what's the problem here? The problem is that those qualities exist to help you cope with difficult times. Which is useful, but if you have the chance to have a not difficult life, you get confused, cuz you never learnt how to prosper, when given the opportunity.. well atleast if you were one of the first three. I would think the Acting out child would fare best with making the best of opportunities. Why? Because they got all their anger and frustration out of the way early, now they just need to move on.
The real uniting factor in all 4 types is, the inability to rely on other people to help you. 4 is saying, I'll survive on my own, I don't need you. 1 is saying, i don't trust you to take charge, so i am going to do it. 2 is saying I don't trust people so I would rather just be left alone. And 3 is saying everything is my fault, so i will fix it, i don't deserve any help from anyone else.
In any case, reading all this, I was convinced, this could be helpful, there might be something to this! They know what the problem is, so how do they solve it...
Aah. The 12 step program... sure, we have all heard about it, but I didn't actual know what the meat of it was. So I start reading it:
The 12 Steps
Read it. Read it again. And laugh. Because that's what I did.
What this said to me was, we know your problem, and it blows, let Jesus Christ be your savior. Of course if any secularist catches on to what's really going on, let's use liberal, hippy sounding words like "higher power" and "God, as we understand God".
Okay so honestly, the mention of a higher power, and god as we understand god, would not bother me so much if:
a) It didn't complete estrange anyone who wanted to learn to survive alcoholism, without being indoctrinated into theism. It's just plain unfair, that atheists and agnostics, not be allowed a safe space to recover, just like any other human being.
b) Personally, I have had a hard time with lack of faith, and maybe that is the problem. The inability to trust others, or to rely on others, comes from a lack of faith. So I would understand that, if the 12 steps didn't also focus so much on 'humility', and 'making amends'. This isn't just theism indoctrination, this is specifically Christian indoctrination. Even after acknowledging that all these tendencies in us, take place because of circumstances, we are expected to:
- feel guilty
- and take all the blame
- and feel uncooperative if we don't want to
1) Is AA effective?
2) Atheism and Recovery
3) How AA Steals your Soul
Having said all that, and having decided AA is a preposterous abuse of power
(although nothing new, religious indoctrination has always been done through the weak of society. Find the ones in need, and offer to save them, and in their vulnerable state and your position of power they will believe whatever you tell them), what does one do?
It's easy to poke holes and find fault in the people actually trying to make a difference, but unless I have a different solution, it's all rather pointless, isn't it?
I am no psychology expert, I have not actually professionally studied this subject and so in all honesty, this is admittedly only going to be useful for me, but here is my solution which is a shorter "five step program" which basically runs on a few principles:
- understanding the objective reality of you, your parents, your life.
- allowing yourself to feel and understand your emotions.
- understanding what you may have been doing to sabotage things, and what you may have been doing to make things better. Feel pride in your accomplishments, and if you feel like it's the right thing, resolve to change the sabotaging behavior.
- change self sabotaging habits.
- developing a support system/learning to trust, by being realistic about who to trust and who not to and how much and at what stage of the relationship/friendship.
1) Take stock of the reality of your past life and your current situation, this involves:
a) Understanding why you are the way you are.(when I was a 3 yr old this happened, my parents generally behave this way, so i responded that way. My dad was like this, so I expect all men to be like this, and became a lesbian, whatever. ).
b) And why you are where you are in your life. (My mom selfishly used her kids as sounding boards, so now I selfishly use my kids as sounding boards, except now they hate me and are all wanting to run away from home, and that makes me feel sad. My dad made me lost all trust in men, so now I am a cruel bitch to all the men I meet who show a remote interest in me, and so I am unhappy and alone and constantly on guard, and have a bunch of men who think I am an ass, and feel like I am becoming an old maid. I was forced to grow up too early in my family, and so I am way ahead of all my peers and doing really well in my career, my family loves me cuz they know they can rely on me and I am generally quite happy.)
2) Get in touch with how you feel. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Validate yourself. Acknowledge yourself. Humor yourself. Get angry, get sad, cry, shout, sing, celebrate, dance, paint, express yourself! Depending on what your coping mechanisms have been so far, this part may vary. If you are a control freak, allow yourself to relax and admit that once in a while, you wish someone else would take responsibility. If you are an adjuster, admit that it would feel so good, if people could adjust to your life and schedule rather than the other way around. If you are a placater, admit that you would like to be taken care of once in a while, if you are an acting outer, you have already taken the anger step, admit that you wish once in a while that you could trust people and.
3) Figure out what you want. After having allowed yourself to feel your emotions, narrow it down to your wishes, desires, wants.
a) Figuring out what you want your life to be like and how much of what you want you already have. (not just the "I don't want to marry a man like my dad" or "I don't want to be stuck all my life trying to be a savior for my girlfriend" but also "I want to be surrounded by bollywood and mangos", "I want to be a good mother who understands her own and her children's needs", or "I want to make my mom pay back for all the grief she gave me as a child, by being my babysitter for when I have kids and hence saving me tons of money in daycare")
4) Develop a support system. In the meantime, be your own support system. Learning to trust discriminatingly:
- Start making friends, but don't reveal all immediately.
- Let people earn your trust, don't set them up for failure, don't assume success, it takes time to realistically form trustworthy friends, let it take time.
- Regarding let it take time. Knowing your life history, it's unfair to yourself to expect yourself to open up to people too quickly. It's also unfair to expect other people to be completely sincere without giving them the time to get to know you. AND it's also unkind to yourself to not give yourself the opportunity to make real friends. In the meantime, you have needs, you want kindness and safety and friends.. well tough! You have to work on it. In the meantime, give yourself a break, be kind to yourself, do things to pamper yourself, focus on the good things in life, do things that you enjoy doing, don't push yourself too hard to be happy, but don't be a recluse either.
5) Learn from the past and get what you want from the third step.
- After having recognized the patterns that create situations that you desire/dislike in your life, make sure to take stock of what patterns you like, and what patterns you don't like.
- With negative patterns, figure out what you could do instead that will get you the results you want.
- With positive patterns, keep it up!
With these five steps, it's useful to go back and restock once in a while (though doing it constantly could just become addictive and unsettling). Don't drudge up the past over and over again, but redo the parts that may have changed.
- Check where you are now in your life.
- Look at what you did to get there.
- Congratulate yourself on the progress you have made.
- Mourn the parts you have f-ed up and resolve to make changes.
- Mourn the things that happened that weren't in your control, go through the grief steps till you accept them.
http://www.essortment.com/all/stagesofgri_rvkg.htm
http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/grief.html
- Be patient, take your time.
- Trust yourself.
It's hard to do this stuff on your own. You need feedback, you need someone outside of you checking in to make sure you are following up on what you are doing, you need objective opinions when you get lost, and you need the moral support of people you trust. Since people with these kinds of situations, often are surrounded with people they don't trust, or people who don't want them to change (since that will throw their friendship/relationships into precarious territory), it's usually best to see a therapist. But not everyone can afford that, so you have to suck it up and try and do it on your own - the key is to be understanding with yourself and realize that it's a difficult process and it's ok if you falter once in a while, but also to remind yourself that in the end it will make you a happier person and so it's worth it to keep trying.
Now you have a plan to improve your life, and a resolve to make the best of what you have right now. Indoctrination time!! ;):
- Zen buddhism says live in the moment, be mindful be aware.
- monotheistic religions focus on the afterlife, on the future.
- And psychotherapy focuses on the past, and the future. My past sucked, and I am broken, so I must fix myself for the future.
At the end of the day, what everyone needs is balance. Understand your past, but don't dwell on it, plan for the future, but don't fixate on it. Enjoy your present, cuz that's your life, but don't be so caught up in the present all the time that you don't acknowledge the reality of or plan for your future.
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